Sometimes you just want a drink

I started my vacation today. I left work at 5pm and will have 9-days away from work. It will be the first break longer than a 3-day weekend that I've had since the Christmas holiday. I am very happy to have some much deserved time away from the office.

And it's interesting how much vacation has changed for me since I'm not drinking anymore. Two summers ago when I would have this much time off, I would have left work and headed straight to the bar to enjoy happy hour and many more hours that would follow, imbibing and celebrating the fact that I didn't have to go to work. Money would be spent, hangovers would follow. Headaches and dehydration would inevitably represent that vacation had begun.

But it's now about six hours after I have left work and my vacation has officially begun and I'm doing absolutely nothing crazy or vacation-like. I went to the gym and cooked myself dinner and watched some tv. A lackluster beginning to my vacation so far.

And I was invited to go out tonight, but the sound of going out to a bar doesn't quite have the appeal that it once did. I completely understand it is possible to go out to a bar and not drink alcohol. I've done it many many times in the almost year and a half that I haven't had a drink. But you know what? Bars are BORING AS ALL HELL if you're not drinking.

There. I said it. The thing I've tried not to say or think since I began this whole experiment/life-change: that going out seems like an unproductive waste of time. I have tried to hold on to the old me, the me that enjoyed partying, that enjoyed drinking and socializing and smoking too many cigarettes and staying up too late and spending too much money and waking up hungover, but unfortunately that person has gone away.

And sometimes it makes me angry inside. I get angry at myself. Because I can't go out and have fun with everyone. I get asked to go out for a simple night on the town and I say no because it doesn't sound fun to me and I get angry at myself over the mere fact that it doesn't sound fun. Why isn't it fun anymore?! Why can't I make it fun like it used to be?! I can't drink therefore I can't enjoy bars therefore I can't indulge in an activity that thousands of people a night get to enjoy. Something that I used to enjoy! It's like I'm being punished. I've chosen to do something positive for myself but it continues to have a negative effect.

It's something I haven't been able to sort through yet. I'm not sure if I ever will be able to. I keep waiting for it to get easier. And well, I guess it does slowly, but sometimes, like at the start of my vacation, when I want to commemorate the beginning of a time away from the grind, I just want it to be perfectly okay with me that I can't raise a drink and toast to my vacation. I just have to accept that life is different now.

And just remember how good a vodka tonic used to be at the start of my vacation.