Yup, I had a drink.

I did the unimaginable for my birthday: I had a drink.

I turned 37 this past weekend. I took the entire week away from work for a much needed stay-cation and then on Friday, me and my boyfriend headed off to the mountains for some quiet time amongst nature. It was exactly what I needed. Time to recharge myself and reflect on adding another year to my age.

A strange thing happened while I was amongst the tall trees and rushing rivers of Pennsylvania's gorgeous Jim Thorpe area: I considered having a drink. There was no much thought involved, it just sort of happened. We were at dinner, my bf got a glass of white wine and I thought to myself, it's my birthday, I haven't had a drink in almost a year and a half and to celebrate turning another year older why don't I get a glass of wine as well. So I did. I decided I would have a drink.

I have to say as anxious and nervous as I was at the thought of having my first drink in almost sixteen months, the entire process of drinking was rather anticlimactic. All of the fears and worries I had had about having a drink didn't pop into my head. The wine was good, but it wasn't an incredibly cathartic experience. It wasn't like the wine was washing down my throat and quenching my thirst. I didn't have the sudden urge to want to smoke a cigarette. I didn't feel like this caged animal inside of me was being let out to run free again. Nope. I had a glass of wine and then I was extremely sleepy. That was about it.

And I went to sleep that night and felt like maybe I had done a bad thing. Maybe I had done a disservice to myself for finally breaking the fast. But then I realized, it was the exact opposite: I had given back to myself the power.

Just as when I endured my first weekend on Fire Island without drinking last year and became empowered by conquering that feat, I became empowered once again by conquering the biggest fear of all: having a drink and not letting it control my life. Because as time progressed over the last year and a half, and I got further and further along on my sober living, I felt scared that if I ever picked up a drink again that I would lose control. That having a drink would throw me headfirst down the rabbit hole and I would be back where I was when I started the whole journey. I was worried that things would change for the worse and all the good changes and smart decisions and positive things that have happened in my life since I stopped drinking would go away immediately.

But that didn't happen. In fact, I realized that I was in control of my life and my choices and that I was free to do what I wanted. And the funny thing was: I have chosen to continue on my sober plight. It has worked wonders for me. And though that glass of wine was good, it wasn't as good as what I have right now.

So maybe I'll consider having another drink somewhere down the line for an important occasion. But I'm not planning on making it a regular occurrence. It's just nice to know I have the option if I want it.