I saw Cheyenne Jackson last night on Fire Island. I am very glad I made the decision to go. I had gone into town, on my way to the gym, but saw that the gym was overly crowded so I opted not to go and went for some fruit and gatorade instead. They had the table set up to sell tickets for Cheyenne's performance and I checked to see how many were left. They had a seat in the third row on the side. It was only $100 bucks. I never thought twice about spending that kind of money on drinking and smoking, why should I think twice about spending that on an nice, different night out on FI.
Cheyenne was great. He sang some Broadway (alas, nothing from Altar Boyz or Xanadu) and some current songs (Cee-Lo's F You about the Glee kids, a great acoustic cover of Katy Perry's Teenage Dream). He is absolutely beautiful and tall and manly and funny and charming. He's everything anyone, gay or straight, would want in a boyfriend. As I sat there watching the show by myself, a myriad of things came to my mind. I couldn't help thinking how fortunate this guy up on stage was that this was his life. He doesn't sit at a desk tapping at a keyboard staring at a screen all day. I couldn't help think how he's been in an eleven year relationship with someone. I saw so much of what I envisioned for myself in his life in that hour and ten minutes he was singing. I wondered where that part of myself went. Where did my life take the turn that stopped me from wanting that and going for that, and get me to this current point?
I know you shouldn't compare your life to other people's because you need to be happy about your life and you need to take control of your life and if you want something you should go for it and so forth and so on. Honestly, the people that say those things are the people that are not stuck in a life situation that they are not satisfied with. I am currently in a life situation that I am not satisfied with.
I remember back to the first month I began my clean living challenge. At that point I only thought it was going to go for a month. Then the idea came to extend - the possibilities of what I could accomplish with this energy and focus and determination - ENDLESS! *sigh* However. I sit here almost six months later (six months?!) and try to take stock of what has changed. Not a whole bunch. In fact, nothing that great has happened. And I'm trying not to be down about it. I constantly get questioned and challenged about why I continue to do this and all I know, and all I can feel with absolute honestly and truth, is that this is what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. This is the right choice for me. This will help me get to where I am meant to be. I don't know when that will happen, and I'd prefer sooner rather than later, but something tells me that eventually, yes, it will happen. I guess I'm just mourning the loss of my previous life and still adjusting to the new one.
It reminds me of two of the phrases that the Sam Christensen people gave me in my image workshop. The first is: I know what I want and when I want it and that would be everything and right now. The second is the biggest portion of that workshop, my myth, otherwise known as the thing that shines brighter in me than anyone else: When all is said and done, satisfaction is up to me. Those two things couldn't be more true about where I'm at in my life right now.
It's rained all day today. I was supposed to stay out on Fire Island until tomorrow, but I came back early this afternoon. It was an end to a rather okay weekend. I'm going to use my still-scheduled day off tomorrow to visit IKEA and do some home furnishing shopping. Time to start the decorating...
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