IN TIMES OF UNCERTAINTY

“To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.” – Winston Churchill

“Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.” – Carol Burnett

Lately, life has been throwing me curveballs. The future employment of my job is currently in question and even the possibility of having to leave my apartment is floating around. This is after having been at both my job and home for over a decade.

And it’s thrown me into a tizzy. I’ve been so settled and secure these past years! I’ve been warm and cozy and settled and lazy. It’s been nice. Not having to invest energy into finding a new job or searching for a new apartment has enabled me to focus on other things like working out or learning a new sport (volleyball) or honing my photography skills. Sadly, love has still eluded me, but that’s another post altogether…

But now, with the all-too-real possibility of my life being thrown into a chaotic state, I’ve been experiencing anxiety and worry that I haven’t felt in quite some time. I had forgotten what it’s like to have these types of real world pressures on my mind. And it’s not just when I’m awake! Last night I actually had a dream that I was begging a guy in the finance department to give me a job number so I could bill hours and get my paycheck.

Now I know that even if I lost my job and had to move from my current apartment that I would physically be okay. I’m lucky enough to have a loving family that has already mentioned that they would help me if I needed it. I would still have a roof over my head and clothes to wear and food to eat. It could be far worse.

But the rumblings of unemployment are buzzing all around me. I ran into a woman who was just let go from the company. I didn’t know what to say to her. It seemed like she was looking to me to say “It’ll be okay” and give her a hug, but I just sort of stared at her and said “it was nice working with you.” I keep expecting to see a meeting notification from HR titled “checking in” but I’ll know what it really means. Everybody knows that a random email or meeting from HR is nothing but the guillotine.

And honestly, I could just be paranoid, but this winter isn’t helping the matter. Cold and dreary and dark. It’s the absolute perfect weather to be laid off. Weather to sit around in a Starbucks, staring out the window at people with a purpose. People with somewhere to go. People with a job.

I mean, I guess if worse came to worse, I could always try to get work at the front counter of my local Equinox, greeting people at the front desk and checking them in. It gets me a free membership at least. But all that standing would be terrible for my lower back. And I can only imagine the looks I’d get from regulars who have seen me there the past years. And honestly, those jobs can’t pay more than minimum wage and I don’t even know how people manage to survive on minimum wage since that is clearly not the minimum to exist in NYC.

So here I sit. Anxiety ridden. Hoping that I’ll somehow be passed over yet again by the Angel of Unemployment. How is it possible that I’ve somehow reached the age of almost 43 and don’t have an actual career?

I’m like Parker Posey in “Party Girl.” If you’ve never seen that movie (and you should immediately because it’s a piece of early 90’s independent film heaven) it’s the story of a girl in NYC whose only care in life is being part of the downtown nightclub scene. She spends the entire movie trying to figure out what she wants to do with her life (while smoking, partying and drinking). Nothing she can think of doing for a living is a proper fit for her. Until she eventually discovers a passion for something she didn’t know she had and decides that that’s the life she wants to live. And then BOOM. Movie’s over because, well, Mary figured out her life. It just plunked into her lap.

The life of an artist is never that straightforward and direct. I’d love to support myself with my photography, but currently it’s just serving as practice for my craft and a great social time suck.

And if you get laid off, how do you start to look for a replacement job doing something that you’ve been doing for over a decade but have never really felt passionate about? It makes looking for jobs really challenging. Like you’re having to tell yourself that you’re going to have to settle on something just to make ends meet. That this new job hunt will never really bring you satisfaction. That you’re going to have to bring your acting skills to the interview and make people believe, yet again, that you’re really interested in what you’re asking to get paid to do just to make money.

So in the meantime, I’ll keep waiting for my Party Girl moment. Waiting for that realization that “Oh! THIS is what I’ve always wanted to be!” Something that feels natural and authentic. Something that defines me and makes me feel whole. Does something like that even exist???

Whatever happens I know eventually I’ll be fine in the long run, but the uncertainty in the present moment is always a bit more uncomfortable than I’d like.