Finding your own gymspiration

If you follow me on Facebook you're more than likely to know I do two of the same things every week: 1) I post pictures of hot, muscled guys (which I refer to as gymspirations) and 2) I check-in at my local Equinox gym when I'm there to workout. Both of these activities began and continue to be rooted in the simplest of desires: 1) to see an example of a body I am working towards and 2) to lead by example.

Now I know that I can look at pictures of muscled guys on my own computer without sharing them. And I know I can go workout without checking in. But there is a third, mostly unspoken reason for those two previous actions: inspiring others.

Almost three years ago I took upon an enormous life challenge: I wanted to quit smoking. In order to do that I decided not drinking for a month would help me kick the habit. During that initial first month I was up early eating breakfast and saw an infomercial for the P90X workout dvds which kept claiming "in 90-days you can transform your body" and thought to myself that maybe 90-days was the key to securing a habit, so I decided to go three months and two weeks without drinking finishing on my birthday. I was certain after all that time that I would have definitely kicked the habit. 

However I failed to realize that within those 3 & 1/2 months I was meant to spend two long weekends at my share on Fire Island. If you know anything about Fire Island is that it's basically Swiss Family Robinson visits Sodom & Gomorrah.

My first weekend there was met with intense anxiety and fear that I was going to crack. That at any moment either a cigarette or a drink was going to touch my lips. During more than one occasion I had to step away, retreat to the beach to sit in silence and watch the ocean, smell the salt in the air and calm myself down.

When I was on the ferry leaving Fire Island late that Sunday evening of the first weekend out there something amazing occurred to me: I succeeded in making it through an entire weekend on Fire Island without breaking. Like Glinda the Good Witch told Dorothy at the end of The Wizard of Oz, I had the power within myself all along. I could do anything I put my mind to! What an incredible sense of joy and empowerment it was to feel that. 

It was then that I decided to push myself even further and not drink for one year. I figured it's only one year! Imagine how more healthy and wonderful I would feel at the end of it.

I ended up going sixteen months of no drinking. And though I've had some drinks since then (but I feel absolutely miserable afterwards, so I rarely, if ever drink) it will be 3-years of no smoking on March 1st, 2014. Basically, I achieved the goal that I set out to achieve.

During my initial sixteen months of no drinking a colleague sent me a link to an article on a blog. It was  a girl writing about her experiences of not being able to drink after she had made herself allergic to alcohol. If she drank, she could die. And while my life change was by choice as opposed to doctor mandated, so many experiences that she was going through were mirroring mine. As it turns out, when you are the "party friend" among your group and then you decide to leave the party, almost identical situations take place.

Even though this girl was a complete stranger to me, just knowing that somebody else was out there in the world going through the same experiences I was going through helped inspire me to keep going. Sometimes just knowing you're not alone in the world is a beautiful thing.

Which is where my gymspirations originated. I look at the guys on the cover of fitness magazines as personal inspiration for me to continue working towards my goals. Goals of bettering myself, making me a better person. And I check in at the gym to show that I'm not just talking about it, but that I'm actually doing it. All in hopes that if there is one person out there who is exhausted from work and is on the fence about whether or not they should go to the gym to get some exercise or instead go home and do nothing on the couch, that just maybe it will inspire them to go workout. Sometimes we don't have a physical, personal support system cheering us on to achieve our goals and if a photo of muscled guy or a check-in at a gym can help nudge somebody, then it was worthwhile to post.

Some people give me flack about my gymspirations (most specifically, my admiration for actor Joe Manganiello). They say I'm superficial, obsessed and question whether I have anything better to focus on in my life. I'd rather be obsessed with being healthy and bettering my life than be obsessed with figuring out where my next drink is coming from.

What is your version of gymspiration?

Follow me on Twitter: @stefanmreczko

How Woodstock '99 put me on the path to fitness

If there's one thing most people know about me, it's my quest for bigger heavage, i.e. male cleavage/pecs/pectoral muscles. It could possibly be called an obsession, but I think of it as more of a vendetta. It's a vendetta against my genetics which gave me a sternum that protrudes as opposed to the sternums most guys which are more concave and therefore my chest didn't look good. Revolting even.

I have always had an issue with those protruding bones in my chest. Growing up a super skinny teen I already felt awkward with my body, and having my bones sticking out I felt even more uncomfortable with that particular portion of my body. I'd see pictures of myself on the beach shirtless standing next to friends and all I could see was those dreaded bones sticking out of my chest.

It wasn't until after I got pictures back from my trip to Woodstock '99 that my vendetta really began. The Woodstock '99 festival happened over the course of three excruciatingly hot days in July. We baked ourselves in the brutally hot sun on an abandoned airfield in Rome, New York (because the town of Woodstock would not host the festival that bears its name again). So of course, since it was so hot, the only thing I wore all three days was my shorts and shoes. The pictures came back from the fotomat (ah, the days of film photography!) and I saw one particular photo that horrified me: ME, SHIRTLESS and grotesquely skinny standing next to my friend who had pecs like pillows. His were big and square and bulbous. Mine were flat, sunken and shriveled. I was appalled that I had walked around the festival that way. Why hadn't anyone told me I looked so sickly thin?!

I guess shouldn't have been surprised. My life didn't really epitomize health. I didn't workout, I smoked cigarettes and drank, my daily food intake would consist of a Philadelphia soft pretzel and coffee for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch and a bowl of ramen noodles for dinner. There was nothing about me that said "fitness savvy."

There was only one thing to do: I got a gym membership the very next day. Then, in order to help remind me of why I was going to workout, I posted a shirtless photo of me from Woodstock '99 on my refrigerator and wrote "the reason I workout" above myself. It was the end of July when I got my gym membership and I figured I would have the muscles of a fitness model by that Halloween. 

Fourteen years later I am still chasing after my goal.

But though my quest for better heavage started out as a rather naive and single-minded goal, it has evolved over the course of those fourteen years. Firstly being the reasons I workout. Yes I still want big muscles but now I understand the importance and benefits around WHY working out is important. I have stopped smoking and drinking, I now eat more nutritional food in one day than I would eat in an entire week and my exercise routines are based around fixing and improving my previous injuries (dislocated right shoulder, herniated discs in my neck AND my lower back) while pursuing my goal of bigger pecs. 

Secondly, I realized that in order to make a change you have to work for it. Changing your body's physique is not an easy one, but it is possible. You just have to really want it and go after it day after day. I always tell myself that if I pursued other things with the voracity with which I pursue bigger pecs that I could rule the world.

Much to my initial dismay, I learned that fitness levels and goals are not quick fixes. You can't drastically change your body in just a week or a month or even a year (unless you're a celebrity getting paid to do that). It is a lifelong process that involves commitment and dedication and perservence.

And because of that constant, daily perseverance I try to surround myself with like-minded people so we can encourage and support each other in our own personal quests towards our own individual goals. I may come off seeming slightly obsessed by posting shirtless pictures of guys as gymspiration, or seem a bit obnoxious by checking into my gym every time I workout, or seem silly reminding people every day I am working out my heavage. But I like doing that. It's fun. It helps remind me about my goals and it's a very small way of encouraging others to continue following theirs.

So whether it be trying to fit into your favorite pair of jeans again or being able to play with your children in the park without collapsing or being comfortable walking around shirtless at a 3-day festival, it's important to have something that drives you to be physically fit, to have your own gymspiration. And obviously my gymspiration may not be suitable for you and vice versa, but at least having one is a good reminder to keep on trying.

Follow me on Twitter: @stefanmreczko

Gay, Single and Fabulous?

(yes, it's a Sex and the City inspired post)

As I walked home, I couldn't help but wonder...when did being alone become the modern day equivalent of being a leper? Will Manhattan restaurants soon be divided up into sections? Smoking, non-smoking, single, non-single? Then I had a frightening thought. Maybe I was the one who was faking it. All these years faking to myself that I was happy being single. - Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City, "They Shoot Single People, Don't They?"

Marriage equality has finally passed in the United States and as happy as I am that gays are FINALLY being given the same rights and privileges that everyone else has had all their lives, the news has been slightly bittersweet. Now that I'm legally allowed to get married in NYC and the United States, I've felt even more single than I ever have before.

Being single makes it rather difficult to celebrate the ability to get married when you don't even have a viable prospect on the sidelines. And I guess the more you focus on being single, the more it seems that everyone around you is coupled up and in love. I think I have more friends at the moment who are in relationships than I do single friends.

Being single also makes it difficult to appreciate being single. I should be enjoying the fact that I have the entire bed to myself, that I don't have to report back to somebody if I'm not coming home directly after the gym, that I ate all the chicken and there aren't any leftovers to share. Instead, the fact that I'm single makes me feels lost and jaded and sad. Sad that I don't wake up to anyone, that no one wonders where I am throughout the day or after the gym, that I don't have anyone to make dinner with.

And of course, the longer I'm single, the more I doubt myself. I've begun having trouble believing that I'm capable of a relationship. It's like the confidence rug - that thick shag carpet that used to be in place - gets pulled out from underneath you when you get dumped and you're left lying on the cold bare floor of insecurity. Alone.

I mean, its confusing, I constantly hear people tell me how great I am, how cute I look, how I'm perfect just the way I am, yet I remain single. AND most of the relationships I've been in, I've been the one who gets dumped. It's not the greatest boost to your ego...

So I couldn't help but wonder, why are there some people, like my ex boyfriend, who are always in a relationship? And why are there people like me who seem to always be single? (and I don't like to spend too much time thinking about that because if I consider my ex a serial dater who just jumps from relationship to relationship and that the guy he's with really doesn't mean very much to him, then it sadly downplays the relationship I thought I had with him). 

But if my ex is dating someone already and I'm not what does that mean? He dumped me and is already in another relationship??? That must mean its me! There's something intrinsically wrong with ME right?! IM THE PROBLEM?! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!

You can begin to drive yourself psycho. 

And I don't even want to discuss the completely jaded topic of people who are dating or who are in relationships when I feel they don't deserve to be in one. What makes them so special? What wonderful things have they done in life that qualifies them for a relationship and not me? There are some pretty obnoxious people in this city who happen to be in relationships and I think that stinks. Assholes don't deserve a boyfriend.

And then I wonder if I'm an asshole for thinking that about people and wonder if that's why I'm single. The universe is karmically slapping my wrists telling me to be a better person.

So then, in a city full of couples, why the hell don't any of them help their single friends find someone? If couples are sooooo happy with their partners then can't they use their couple powers and team up to recruit potential boyfriends for me?! It should be a universal rule that in order to stay happy with your current partner you have to do community service by matching single people up. I mean seriously, share the wealth.

But for the time being, this gay, single and fabulous New Yorker is meant to put on a happy face and pretend that being without a boyfriend isn't the worst thing in the world. I know this because all the coupled friends I have keep telling me that. And I know relationships are work and that they're not always perfect and that they don't always work out and that pictures don't really speak the truth, but I deserve to be miserable in a relationship just like everybody else. Atleast then my Instagram would make some single person jealous.

Follow me and my single antics on Instagram

Bitch, Moan, Whine and Complain.

I'm irritated...

that I'm single.

that my ex boyfriend, who dumped me, has already found a new boyfriend and from the appearances of the photos my ex is posting on Instagram that he is happier with the new boyfriend in less time than he ever was with me.

that social media makes it far too easy to stumble upon the lives of your ex boyfriends.

that I have no self control to NOT check social media outlets to find out the life of my ex boyfriend.

that I even care what my ex is doing at all.

that I don't feel confident when I'm single.

that I constantly tell friends that when you find yourself single that it's okay and that you just need to find an inner peace about being by yourself and that eventually you'll find love again.

that I don't believe my own advice.

that I'm not one of those people who lives in the "bubble" where life is easy and everyone loves you and opportunities present themselves at every turn and you're always dating someone.

that I don't have a pin to pop other people's bubbles.

that I am not traveling enough.

that I don't have a boyfriend to accompany me on trips thereby cutting down the costs of having to travel alone.

that I don't have enough money to travel alone.

that I can allocate money to personal training sessions and deep tissue work but not to travel.

that the personal training sessions and deep tissue work are actually helping and my muscles are benefitting from it therefore giving me reason to want to continue with them, therefore spending more money.

that tons of guys don't have to spend money on personal training sessions and deep tissue work and still have amazing bodies.

that I'm hung up on wanting to have muscles at all.

that I'm losing my hair more and more each day and I think it's unfair that I have two options: shave my head (free) or get hair plugs (costs money).

that I can't blame Vanity Smurf for any of this.

that I can spend an hour drafting a blog post about what irritates me but not spend an hour working on that screenplay idea I've had knocking around my brain for the past few years.

that I don't feel I'm living up to my potential.

that I feel the need to complain at all. Because really, I shouldn't complain. That is just a list things that bother me. They're only as real as I make them. Some days more so than others. It's not all doom and gloom. I couldn't end the blog post on such a down note so I've thrown these last few sentences in for good measure. It's a gorgeous sunny Sunday in New York City and my birthday is a week away. Life is pretty good. :)

Has it been two years? You don't say...

March 1st, 2013 marks the two year anniversary of me no longer smoking or drinking.

Let's recap shall we?

Previously, on Stefan with an F: I went sixteen months stone cold sober.  To commemorate those sixteen months of no smoking/no drinking, I had a glass of wine on my birthday last year in mid June. That next Friday my boss bought me a glass of champagne to celebrate my birthday/company anniversary, followed by a Planter's Punch on Fire Island that Saturday and then four drinks on Pride Sunday -- which made me sick for 3 days and I swore I would never ever drink again. Until two months later when I got back from a week in the Hamptons in late August and met a friend for happy hour and had about 8 beers over the course of five hours and was again sick for three days and then decided that I really just could not drink anymore. And I haven't. But for all intents and purposes, I basically stopped drinking two years ago.

As for smoking, it has literally been two years. I had my last cigarette on February 28th, 2011 and have never looked back.

I remember how proud I was last year commemorating my one-year anniversary of no smoking/no drinking. I was counting down the days, marking them off one by one. I felt accomplished, like I had achieved something HUGE. This year I almost forgot about it. And not because it's any less important to me, (because once I realized that my "anniversary" was tomorrow I realized I needed to sit down and write something about where I am on this crazy journey I set off on), but because it's become so completely normal to me that I don't think of it as anything to call attention to. I don't smoke or drink anymore. What's the big deal, right?

Yeah, easier said than done, that's for damn sure.

People always (and I mean ALWAYS) ask me why I stopped drinking. Nobody EVER asks me why I stopped smoking. In fact, most people don't even care to acknowledge the fact that I used to smoke at all. They seem to always zero in on the no drinking. Which is strange since I very clearly remember how often people used to criticize/scold/abuse me about my smoking habit. The simple story is: I stopped drinking (originally) to help stop smoking. They went hand in hand. The no drinking was only supposed to go one month to help me kick the smoking habit. But one month of no smoking/no drinking had me feeling so great that I coerced myself into going for three months of no smoking/no drinking, which then became a year-long challenge to see how amazing I could feel and then suddenly after a year it just became normal everyday life.

Don't get me wrong. Though I might not think of smoking or drinking every day (well, at least not anymore...), there usually isn't a week that doesn't go by that I'm not reminded of my former life in one way or another. Either walking past a bar and seeing people standing outside smoking and having a glorious time being part of that exclusive smokers club... or flipping on the tv and watching a favorite show like Absolutely Fabulous where they smoke and drink to their hearts content and it's hysterically funny and you just want to be part of the debauchery... or re-watching a much loved movie like Atonement where James McAvoy and Keira Knightley are filmed smoking and drinking in quite possibly the most glamourous manor possible... or seeing Madonna's "Bad Girl" video where she's lighting up cigarettes and she's blonde and gorgeous and has amazingly catching lyrics like: "Bad girl, drunk by six, kissing someone else's lips, smoked too many cigarettes today, I'm not happy when I act this way..." Madonna might not be happy when she acts that way, but goodness knows I sure had a helluva lot of fun doing it.

I guess this year the anniversary of me not smoking or drinking isn't quite as joyous. It's been three months since my relationship ended, and though I now know the relationship wasn't meant to be and that every day I feel like I get a little better than the day before, it's still hard to hold my head up high and remind myself that staying out of the bars is a good thing [for me]. My recent Friday nights have consisted of leaving work, going to the gym to lift heavy weights, cooking dinner for myself at home and watching tv. Sometimes it would be nice to just leave work on a Friday, go to the bar, have a vodka tonic in one hand and a Marlboro ultra light in the other and have those be the heaviest things I lift all day. Just spend the evening hanging out with friends, letting the week melt away, forgetting that I'm single again. But being in bars sober and single, well, you just feel like you're the last one being picked for a dodge ball team: odd man out.

Because though I'd like to think meeting someone is going to be easier now that I've got my head cleared up and my priorities "all figured out," it's really become all-the-more difficult because I've taken out one of the biggest environments for finding another boyfriend. Gay New York is all about going out to bars and meeting up with friends and having cocktails and dancing to that new amazing song and meeting new people and staying out too late and making out with that hot guy you were flirting with all night and the next morning when you wake up hungover, you meet all your friends again for brunch and have cocktails to help level you out from the crazy night you had while you laugh about the silly stuff you did, trying to remember the name of the guy you made out with.

It's a lonely life when you're sober in Gay New York.

But here I am, smoke free and drink free, two years later. Something I NEVER thought I would be able to say. I put my mind to it and I did it. I continue to do it every day. It's probably been (and continue to be) one of the single hardest things I've done and I am proud of myself for achieving it.

I hope my future husband appreciates all of my hard work. :)

Single again: the sober reality

My relationship ended a little over two months ago and as expected, I've been going through the rollercoaster of emotions that inevitably come from the ending of a relationship with someone you care about.  The sadness: crying at random things like listening to Anne Hathaway's version of "I Dreamed A Dream" from Les Mis or finding a postcard he wrote you back when the relationship was good. The loneliness: hitting up the Donut Pub on a Saturday night because no one else is around to do anything with or seeing a happy couple walking down the street and knowing you don't have that anymore. The denial: trying to force myself to believe that I don't care about him, that I'm already over him, that I'm absolutely fine...

But there's one thing that hasn't happened to me that traditionally accompanies the end of a relationship: getting drunk.

It's been really hard these past couple of months. Not a week has gone by where I haven't thought about going out and getting smashed to help forget, for at least a night, about the hurt and loneliness that I've been feeling. The idea of going out and having a vodka tonic and a cigarette have definitely crossed my mind on more than one occasion.

But then the idea quickly leaves. Because I know that's not an answer. That's not the way to deal with pain. That's the way to avoid it.

I thought about how in the past when I was drinking and smoking that if something bad happened I would go and get drunk to help numb the pain. And then the next day I would be hungover and I wouldn't be focused on the problem that coerced me into drinking because I'd be dealing with a nasty hangover. And then the day after that I would be so relieved that I wasn't hungover anymore and that I was physically feeling better that it would almost seem as if the problem had gone away, or that I had been able to emotionally get over it. Almost.

But that's not the case now. No, now I'm dealing with absolute, 100% clarity of mind. Every feeling and emotion is right there. So real and strong that it often feels like it's smacking me in the face. There are no drunken evenings to help me fall asleep in my big empty bed.

And when a relationship ends and you're sad, drinking helps reunite you with your friends. They take you out to console you and buy you drinks and try to help cheer you up. I had dinner with a friend. It was nice, but it wasn't quite as cathartic as the drinks used to be.

And being single again has been so lonely without smoking and drinking to keep me company. Smoking used to give me an activity, something to almost look forward to every hour or so when I'd be sitting at home by myself. And drinking used to give me a reason to go out to a bar. Even if I wasn't meeting any friends I could always count on somebody - a bar local, a bartender, anybody - would be there to chat with and at least make a human connection with, no matter how small.

And then there's the cold. I had a friend text me that he didn't know how I was able to endure the cold weather without drinking. It's so true. What else are New Yorkers supposed to do in the winter? How else do we see each other when we're stuck inside because it's 15 degrees outside? We meet up in bars! Or if we go to each other's tiny apartments we kick back with a bottle of wine!

It's often felt like a lose/lose situation for me. I was the one who got broken up with, I was the one who lost a boyfriend but because I'm trying to do something healthy and positive for my life I'M also the one getting short changed in trying to move on. I'm not out and about, meeting new guys, or seeing friends because I'm not going to bars. I mean, I could go, but why? When you're not drinking, it's not any fun. Sometimes its almost torturously boring. And to those people who think that going to a bar and NOT drinking doesn't sound too bad, try sitting in a bar and not drinking booze for four hours while hanging out with friends, watching them get wasted and you tell me how much fun you're having. (and if you are capable of doing that and are enjoying yourself, then you're a far better person than me...)

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I can now add yet another experience to that ever-growing list of things that I used to do WITH drinks but now do WITHOUT because of living a sober existence. Like birthdays and vacations and weddings and cold weather weekends and Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years Eve.

And now heartbreak.