My relationship ended a little over two months ago and as expected, I've been going through the rollercoaster of emotions that inevitably come from the ending of a relationship with someone you care about. The sadness: crying at random things like listening to Anne Hathaway's version of "I Dreamed A Dream" from Les Mis or finding a postcard he wrote you back when the relationship was good. The loneliness: hitting up the Donut Pub on a Saturday night because no one else is around to do anything with or seeing a happy couple walking down the street and knowing you don't have that anymore. The denial: trying to force myself to believe that I don't care about him, that I'm already over him, that I'm absolutely fine...
But there's one thing that hasn't happened to me that traditionally accompanies the end of a relationship: getting drunk.
It's been really hard these past couple of months. Not a week has gone by where I haven't thought about going out and getting smashed to help forget, for at least a night, about the hurt and loneliness that I've been feeling. The idea of going out and having a vodka tonic and a cigarette have definitely crossed my mind on more than one occasion.
But then the idea quickly leaves. Because I know that's not an answer. That's not the way to deal with pain. That's the way to avoid it.
I thought about how in the past when I was drinking and smoking that if something bad happened I would go and get drunk to help numb the pain. And then the next day I would be hungover and I wouldn't be focused on the problem that coerced me into drinking because I'd be dealing with a nasty hangover. And then the day after that I would be so relieved that I wasn't hungover anymore and that I was physically feeling better that it would almost seem as if the problem had gone away, or that I had been able to emotionally get over it. Almost.
But that's not the case now. No, now I'm dealing with absolute, 100% clarity of mind. Every feeling and emotion is right there. So real and strong that it often feels like it's smacking me in the face. There are no drunken evenings to help me fall asleep in my big empty bed.
And when a relationship ends and you're sad, drinking helps reunite you with your friends. They take you out to console you and buy you drinks and try to help cheer you up. I had dinner with a friend. It was nice, but it wasn't quite as cathartic as the drinks used to be.
And being single again has been so lonely without smoking and drinking to keep me company. Smoking used to give me an activity, something to almost look forward to every hour or so when I'd be sitting at home by myself. And drinking used to give me a reason to go out to a bar. Even if I wasn't meeting any friends I could always count on somebody - a bar local, a bartender, anybody - would be there to chat with and at least make a human connection with, no matter how small.
And then there's the cold. I had a friend text me that he didn't know how I was able to endure the cold weather without drinking. It's so true. What else are New Yorkers supposed to do in the winter? How else do we see each other when we're stuck inside because it's 15 degrees outside? We meet up in bars! Or if we go to each other's tiny apartments we kick back with a bottle of wine!
It's often felt like a lose/lose situation for me. I was the one who got broken up with, I was the one who lost a boyfriend but because I'm trying to do something healthy and positive for my life I'M also the one getting short changed in trying to move on. I'm not out and about, meeting new guys, or seeing friends because I'm not going to bars. I mean, I could go, but why? When you're not drinking, it's not any fun. Sometimes its almost torturously boring. And to those people who think that going to a bar and NOT drinking doesn't sound too bad, try sitting in a bar and not drinking booze for four hours while hanging out with friends, watching them get wasted and you tell me how much fun you're having. (and if you are capable of doing that and are enjoying yourself, then you're a far better person than me...)
I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I can now add yet another experience to that ever-growing list of things that I used to do WITH drinks but now do WITHOUT because of living a sober existence. Like birthdays and vacations and weddings and cold weather weekends and Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years Eve.
And now heartbreak.
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