Gay, Single and Fabulous?

(yes, it's a Sex and the City inspired post)

As I walked home, I couldn't help but wonder...when did being alone become the modern day equivalent of being a leper? Will Manhattan restaurants soon be divided up into sections? Smoking, non-smoking, single, non-single? Then I had a frightening thought. Maybe I was the one who was faking it. All these years faking to myself that I was happy being single. - Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City, "They Shoot Single People, Don't They?"

Marriage equality has finally passed in the United States and as happy as I am that gays are FINALLY being given the same rights and privileges that everyone else has had all their lives, the news has been slightly bittersweet. Now that I'm legally allowed to get married in NYC and the United States, I've felt even more single than I ever have before.

Being single makes it rather difficult to celebrate the ability to get married when you don't even have a viable prospect on the sidelines. And I guess the more you focus on being single, the more it seems that everyone around you is coupled up and in love. I think I have more friends at the moment who are in relationships than I do single friends.

Being single also makes it difficult to appreciate being single. I should be enjoying the fact that I have the entire bed to myself, that I don't have to report back to somebody if I'm not coming home directly after the gym, that I ate all the chicken and there aren't any leftovers to share. Instead, the fact that I'm single makes me feels lost and jaded and sad. Sad that I don't wake up to anyone, that no one wonders where I am throughout the day or after the gym, that I don't have anyone to make dinner with.

And of course, the longer I'm single, the more I doubt myself. I've begun having trouble believing that I'm capable of a relationship. It's like the confidence rug - that thick shag carpet that used to be in place - gets pulled out from underneath you when you get dumped and you're left lying on the cold bare floor of insecurity. Alone.

I mean, its confusing, I constantly hear people tell me how great I am, how cute I look, how I'm perfect just the way I am, yet I remain single. AND most of the relationships I've been in, I've been the one who gets dumped. It's not the greatest boost to your ego...

So I couldn't help but wonder, why are there some people, like my ex boyfriend, who are always in a relationship? And why are there people like me who seem to always be single? (and I don't like to spend too much time thinking about that because if I consider my ex a serial dater who just jumps from relationship to relationship and that the guy he's with really doesn't mean very much to him, then it sadly downplays the relationship I thought I had with him). 

But if my ex is dating someone already and I'm not what does that mean? He dumped me and is already in another relationship??? That must mean its me! There's something intrinsically wrong with ME right?! IM THE PROBLEM?! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!

You can begin to drive yourself psycho. 

And I don't even want to discuss the completely jaded topic of people who are dating or who are in relationships when I feel they don't deserve to be in one. What makes them so special? What wonderful things have they done in life that qualifies them for a relationship and not me? There are some pretty obnoxious people in this city who happen to be in relationships and I think that stinks. Assholes don't deserve a boyfriend.

And then I wonder if I'm an asshole for thinking that about people and wonder if that's why I'm single. The universe is karmically slapping my wrists telling me to be a better person.

So then, in a city full of couples, why the hell don't any of them help their single friends find someone? If couples are sooooo happy with their partners then can't they use their couple powers and team up to recruit potential boyfriends for me?! It should be a universal rule that in order to stay happy with your current partner you have to do community service by matching single people up. I mean seriously, share the wealth.

But for the time being, this gay, single and fabulous New Yorker is meant to put on a happy face and pretend that being without a boyfriend isn't the worst thing in the world. I know this because all the coupled friends I have keep telling me that. And I know relationships are work and that they're not always perfect and that they don't always work out and that pictures don't really speak the truth, but I deserve to be miserable in a relationship just like everybody else. Atleast then my Instagram would make some single person jealous.

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