DON'T PANIC, EVERYTHING IS UNDER CONTROL

It’s day two of being unemployed and I’m already encountering an emotional funk. Great. So much for my carefree attitude of enjoying the time away from the boring 9-5 lifestyle.

Unfortunately, this is not my first bout of unemployment. I’ve been laid off now FOUR times throughout my illustrious “career.” I don’t take it personally. I know that it doesn’t reflect badly on me as a person. And though I am all-too familiar with the ups and downs ones self can experience during a trying period like this, it will be the first time I endure it without the help of a drink to soften the blow. Just when I thought I had gone through everything there was to experience on this sober side of drinking, crafty unemployment rears its ugly head.

And it doesn’t take much to launch myself head first down the proverbial rabbit hole. Yesterday, for example, I had spoken to a fellow unemployed friend because I had questions about signing up for my Unemployment Benefits. After he helped answer my questions, he hit me with a question of his own: “So, what’s your game plan?”

To be honest, my tentative game plan was to enjoy the time off while I casually looked for work. But more specifically, the goal was to plan a big trip.

I haven’t had a big excursion out of country since last June, so almost an entire year without any travel. I’d been averaging about two trips per year lately, so I’m already behind. I figured, getting laid off meant I’ll have plenty of free time and why not use that tax return to have an adventure. Because I deserve it, right?! After working eleven years at the same company and not having more than ten days off for any one specific vacation, I deserved to treat myself to a few weeks (oh heck --- a month!) to decompress and relax and explore.

When I told my friend the tentative plan, his tone suddenly became very grave. “Well, I’m not saying you can’t take your trip, but you really need to get on the job hunt ASAP. It’s feast or famine. It’s going to take months. If you don’t get started now you’re going to be screwed.”

Well, so much for FUNemployment! I was suddenly stricken with panic. And down the rabbit hole I began to tumble.

“Was he right? Was this really going to be THAT dire? Oh my gosh, what am I thinking? I can’t travel! I can’t frivolously spend money and go away for a month. That’s irresponsible. I can’t be irresponsible right now! I have to focus!”

My internal monologue had suddenly gone from “Unemployed: what luck!” to “Unemployed: I’m fucked.”

So for the past two days I’ve been worried and cranky. Worried about what’s going to happen. Cranky at the fact that I’m going to be 43 soon and I have absolutely no career of which to be proud.

Throughout my life I have always seemed to get jobs that were ultimately just a place to collect a paycheck. The things I was doing were not my passion. Though I definitely HAVE passions (photography, entertaining, writing, filmmaking, fitness), unfortunately at the moment I do not have knowledge on how to accomplish any of those as feasible and lucrative careers.

And I’ve begun the whole comparison thing. Why are other people so much further along than me? Why are there some people who aren’t even 30 and are already working photographers? Why are there some people who, before they reached 40, started making a healthy six-figure salary? Why are there some people I know who are always working and never without jobs or money problems? Why haven’t I been introduced to people who could see my potential and actually had the connections to make something happen? WHY?!!!

It’s enough to drive me mental.

Spoiler alert: skip the next two paragraphs if you’ve not watched NBC’s “The Good Place” and do not want a cute anecdote about my life compared to that show…

…As on “The Good Place,” the characters are all dead and they think they have gone to heaven, i.e. the Good Place. But! As we learn in the season one finale, it has been a trick! They have really been in hell, aka the Bad Place, all along. It turns out a demon from the Bad Place decided to set up an experiment to torture a few humans in a new an innovative way. Put them in what they think is a perfect world, but have everything they want always be just out of reach.

I am in the Bad Place. I want a career as a photographer/filmmaker/entertainer, but nope. Not allowed. Only allowed to watch others do it instead. I want to have big muscles, but nope! Not allowed. But you’ll be surrounded by people who get results constantly. (Okay, well I know muscles aren’t job related, but it still irks me…)

As all the motivational coaches and self help gurus always say, you just gotta keep working hard at everything you want and then one day, eventually, you’ll achieve it. I want to believe that. I HAVE to believe that. The thought of enduring yet another job that isn’t my passion is very deflating. But it appears that that’s what I will have to do. I’ll put on my ill-fitting suit and put on a smiling face and pretend in interviews that I really REALLY want to make a difference and that THIS is the job I’ve been waiting for my entire life. Thank goodness I’m a decent actor.

So with this bout of unemployment now upon me, I may be writing a bit more than normal. Writing helps me process things. But if my stories can amuse or inspire some people at the same time, then it’s a win-win.

Now I should probably send off my resume… somewhere.